Its another friday today.. These days I have started hating all days of the week, because they remind me constantly that its already that day of the week. I am exasperated most of the times(like now). There is a constant voice in my head which keeps saying "you ought to be doing much more in the next one minute". And as a consequence, every other minute, I keep thinking "I wish I could do ten times more than what I am doing now", combined with sleeplessness and a mostly a depressed mood, because i havent been able to complete something that I set myself to that day.
18 months ago, June 2008 I was.. well non existent.. in every sense of the word. no plans, no ideas, no opinions, negligible stuff in terms of money making skills, no idea of what do next, no idea about anything whatsoever. and yes no search result on Google.
Today, I have a job, a laptop of my own, a reasonable bank balance, and a strong feeling of wanting educate all those who are looking for an opportunity to know, to learn. And I have managed to save up some money for my father's milestone coming up in the next year. But more important than all this, I have got back my interest in a lot of things which had diminished due to a horrible 2 final years at school and a not so great 4 years at college. I have also gained what most people probably take for granted.. Motivation. Motivation to live the next minute with full energy and to tackle whatever is at hand with double the courage. Not to tremble and back out and run in the opposite direction. But tostare things in their face, and consequently scare them away. And I also have a search result on Google.
But crossing every day has become a big challenge. and I dislike time when it flies, and when it shows 1 pm in the afternoon and then immediately 5 pm in the evening. and then straight 12 pm.
I am yet to conquer my sense of depression. When I realise I dont know something, and that there is no direct way of learning other than going through hours of debugging sessions, depression and a general self dislike prevails. Is it wrong to not know something or is it wrong to expect help in learning it.
I dont know. And I feel terrible. and terrible and terrible.
"Is it wrong to not know something or is it wrong to expect help in learning it?"
ReplyDeleteHey Vatsala.. I can empathize with you are going through.. It is perfectly ok to take help.. or not knw something..
You have to go dabble your way through.. you have to debug your way through.. but have a mentor who can understand your frustrations.. and guides you properly..
@Sundar
ReplyDeleteThanks for that. Means a lot to me at this time.
आजकल के जीवन में फुरसत कहां। यही जीवन है। चियर अप।
ReplyDeleteWow ... I had 2 horrible final years at school and acdemically pathetic 4 years at college . I wondered why did i even study college. Today I know nothing from what I learned. But I was taught some lessons from life, thankful for that. Ane yes gurl we have very similar opinions. glad I got ur blog
ReplyDeleteHey Vatsi... why do you feel so bad girl? Guess you have'nt found anything exciting enough. Or perhaps you have taught yourself not to let yourself get excited by anything. You should just let go my dear! Of inhibitions and fears.
ReplyDeletePersonally however difficult the day is, I look forward to some nice surprise around the corner. It happens, sometimes...
Hey girl pls see the flip side of life - of the things that you know which many others do not know. And of the goodness of life that has given a good in everything.. It would be good to learn to erase these very very transient feelings and get on with life as if you are going to get a rose for your work. That person who cheers you and takes you along is very much with in you - have you ever looked within you? Try ....
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