Friday, March 5, 2010

A questioning mind or a mindful of questions???

Its another friday today.. These days I have started hating all days of the week, because they remind me constantly that its already that day of the week.  I am exasperated most of the times(like now). There is a constant voice in my head which keeps saying "you ought to be doing much more in the next one minute". And as a consequence, every other minute, I keep thinking "I wish I could do ten times more than what I am doing now", combined with sleeplessness and a mostly a depressed mood, because i havent been able to complete something that I set myself to that day.

18 months ago, June 2008 I was.. well non existent.. in every sense of the word. no plans, no ideas, no opinions, negligible stuff in terms of money making skills, no idea of what do next, no idea about anything whatsoever. and yes no search result on Google.

Today, I have a job, a laptop of my own, a reasonable bank balance, and a strong feeling of wanting educate all those who are looking for an opportunity to know, to learn. And I have managed to save up some money for my father's milestone coming up in the next year. But more important than all this, I have got back my interest in a lot of things which had diminished due to a horrible 2 final years at school and a not so great 4 years at college. I have also gained what most people probably take for granted.. Motivation. Motivation to live the next minute with full energy and to tackle whatever is at hand with double the courage. Not to tremble and back out and run in the opposite direction. But tostare things in their face, and consequently scare them away.  And I also have a search result on Google.

But crossing every day has become a big challenge. and I dislike time when it flies, and when it shows 1 pm in the afternoon and then immediately 5 pm in the evening. and then straight 12 pm.

I am yet to conquer my sense of depression. When I realise I dont know something, and that there is no direct way of learning other than going through hours of debugging sessions, depression and a general self dislike prevails. Is it wrong to not know something or is it wrong to expect help in learning it.
I dont know. And I feel terrible. and terrible and terrible.